Wednesday, November 9, 2011

"How I spent my Memorial Day Vacation" or "Why does Wisconsin hate Me?"

I am all about recycling. So here are some recycled thoughts of mine:

(censored for family-friendly reading)

My mom and I went to Pembine Wisconsin for Memorial Day weekend to a high school graduation open house and to visit relatives on my mom's side. It was a great weekend until we started driving home. Here is what happened:

We started out, driving down highway 8 west and had been driving about 45 minutes when my mom reached across into the garbage bag and got a used tissue or napkin or something. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Nothing." I said "Then why are you digging in the garbage? I have other napkins." She said, "You have something on your shirt." I said, "WHAT?" Then she said, "You don't need to know." That's all it took. I knew it was a wood tick. I hate those little sexual intercoursers. So I totally freaked out while driving 60mph down highway 8. I said, "Get him off of me! Oh fecal matter! Male offspring of a female dog! Cursed by the Diety! Get the sexual intercourser off of me!" She was trying to but then started laughing at my hysterics. She got ahold of him and pulled but he was stuck. I felt my shirt move, but she was going after it again, so I said, "Fecal matter! Male offspring of a female dog! Cursed by the Diety! Is that little sexual intercourser stuck on me?" Mom said, "No, he's not on your skin, just on your shirt." I said, "Fecal matter! Male offspring of a female dog! Cursed by the Diety! Did that little sexual intercourser already burrow his head into my shirt?!?" She said, "No, just his legs are caught on your shirt." I said, "Fecal matter!Male offspring of a female dog!Cursed by the Diety! Get that little sexual intercourser and kill him!" At this point she had him off of my shirt in the napkin. I said, "I wanna see it!" So she opened the napkin, and sure enough, it was a wood tick! I said, "Fecal matter! Male offspring of a female dog! Cursed by the Diety! kill that little child born of unmarried parents!" Then she started to open her window. I said, "Don't do that! he won't go out! He will either stay stuck to the napkin or the wind will take that sexual intercourser  right back in the car into the backseat! Probably on MY jacket!" She told me that she was going to hold it outside the window back farther than her window and not let go of him until she was sure it was out of range of the car. I said, "That little male offspring of a female dog  better not get back in here on me! Fecal matter! Male offspring of a female dog! Cursed by the Diety! I hate those little sexual intercoursers!" And then she proceeded to do what she said she was going to do. She showed me the napkin, that it was gone, then she threw the napkin away again. Then for the next half hour or 45 minutes I was digging through my hair, looking in my shirt, scratching my legs, totally a case of the creepy-crawlies. Well, my mother, being the compassionate person she is, sat there and laughed so hard that tears rolled down her cheeks and her sides hurt. Yeah. I felt the love. Then before we got home, she had called Sheri and Todd and told them, called Audrey and told her, and called my brother Tom and told him. Then after I got her dropped off and got home, she called my family and had Rob put the phone on speaker phone so both of the girls could hear it too. 

So, there you go. Cursed  Wisconsin. First mauled by a bear then swarmed by ticks. Why does Wisconsin hate me?

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